Aurix Exchange

Joke Thread

Well, in an effort to maybe try and get some more movement here and in the Beginner section, I'll put this joke thread here, too. I will start. :p

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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,'

Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,> I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."
 
Okay, last one then I have to get off the computer and go do something, lol.

----

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
 

aenigma

Active member
Some Oneliners

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. Albert Einstein

Don’t forget the Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules

Best friends don't judge each other, they get together and judge everybody else.

If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.

Don't steal, don't lie and don't cheat. The government hates competition

A fanatic is someone who can’t change his mind, and won’t change the subject

Maths : My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.

Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other

Life was so much easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits!

If you don't do anything stupid when you're young, you won't remember something funny when you're old...

Smile in the mirror. Do that every morning and you'll start to see a big difference in your life
 

aenigma

Active member
Most bosses never lift a finger at work, unless it’s to point out something you did wrong.

If we really learned from our past mistakes, most of us would never get out of bed in the morning

Most people don’t mind a hard day’s work, just as long as they’re not in that day.

The reason many people are lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

The dollar will never fall as low as what some people will do to get it. --

The world is a place that’s gone (In People's Perception) from being flat to round to crooked

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence

Smile is the only Curve that can Set most of the things Straight
 

-sho-

New member
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''

The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
 
A man arrived at an International Airport and asked someone he met at the lounge 'Is it true that people answer a question with another question here? 'The reply he got was 'Who told you?'
 

aenigma

Active member
Never argue with an idiot. He’ll drag you down to his level then beat you with experience.

When all you have is a hammer, all problems start to look like nails.

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence

Opinion: When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong (Specially in Trading)

I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly put do the day after

Math : Life is an equation. But Sometimes you can change the variables.
 

aenigma

Active member
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.

After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history.

Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

PATIENCE is something you greatly admire in the driver behind you, but NOT in the one ahead of you.

An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.

Law of Force : Don't force upon a Thing, get a larger hammer.

Check This - Luck vs Success : You can beat the odds once in a while but not consistently. - Green Trades :)
 

aenigma

Active member
“When one door closes, find another." And what if there isn't another door? Then you try the window.

Love your neighbour, but don't get caught.

Fake is the new trend and some of my friends seem to be in style! (Especially Dummy Posting by newbies to complete 20 Posts)

Life was so much easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits!

Irony : A group of idiots led by a wise man can defeat a group of wise people led by an idiot.

You can't always control who walks into your life but you can control which window to throw them out.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, the pessimist fears this is true.

If you don't do anything stupid when you're young, you won't remember something funny when you're old...

If I hurt your feelings in any way I just want you to know from the bottom of my heart that "I don't care". (Tag Line of Our Friend in one of the Forum)

Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

Circle of Success : Everything in life is important, important things are simple, simple things are never easy. Trading is also Simple but not easy
 

aenigma

Active member
Confidence is painting the ceiling after installing the new carpet.

A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here, iron this." Ha Ha

A cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.He said "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said "Yeah,but I don't believe everything I read"

Economic Climate : It's a Recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a Depression when you lose yours.

"Doctor, I have a memory problem!" The doctor says, "When did it start?" "When did what start?"

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
 

aenigma

Active member
Justice always prevails... three times out of seven.

Any system or problem, however complicated...... if looked at in exactly the RIGHT way, will become even more complicated.

Don't force an issue, Just get a larger hammer.

If you can't learn to do it well, you should learn to enjoy doing it badly.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check

The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be

Buttered bread tends to fall with the buttered side down.

A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot.

If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane

Food for Thought : In a free market good money always drives bad money out of circulation.

Government intervention in the free market always leads to a lower national standard of living.
 

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